I’ve been looking at / talking about anger and it seems to be a very unpopular subject. I wonder. I think people don’t like to talk about because a lot of us have been told we’re not supposed to have any anger. Particularly "us" women. (I don’t know about you but that idea pisses me off.) Anyway, is it the actual FEELING that some think is "wrong," or the expression of it?
In Christian circles I think this problem is even worse. It’s easy to read the culture as saying that all anger is bad, and the Bible often says to "give up anger" or puts it in long lists of Things To Not Do. But, again, is that the action or the feeling?
It’s a huge problem, because what we see around us all the time are inappropriate, hurtful, sometimes deadly ways that people are angry. So anger becomes the problem. And "healthy" expression of anger has a tinge of being "therapeutic" or just a lot of trouble – punching pillows, talking to a therapist, making careful "I" statements – it’s easy to denigrate such things as being unnatural or contrived. As I go through my life these days, my casual statements that I’m confronting or "working out" anger generally elicit uncomfortable silences. Maybe people are afraid. Maybe they disapprove.
I agree that the root of anger isn’t pretty. Sometimes anger is my first clue that my expectations were out of line. I’m signed up to accept the life that God gives, after all, although I’m also allowed to take aspirin for headaches, see infertility doctors, and cry out when the pain is too much. But just because a wound is swollen and ugly looking doesn’t mean I don’t care for it, and notice the way I got it. And learn from it.
I still say that anger, like some other things, happens. I still say that unacknowledged anger contributes to obesity, stress, addiction, relational and communication problems, illness, and depression. I think anger is hard because once you let the beast out of the box, how do you know how to control it? I say practice. Either that or climb in the box with it and shut the lid.
The Other Shoe 
May 4, 2007 at 9:07 am
I’ve been thinking a lot about anger since we talked about it earlier this week. I do agree that some anger is righteous and leads us to “speak the truth in love” to others who may have wronged us or hurt us. I also think that, like you said, it can help to point us in the right direction when something is not right. I think there is always the risk, though, of embracing anger. I think it is this embracing of anger that we are warned against in scripture.
Galatians 5:19-26:
“19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”
It’s the hatred, fits of rage and envy that I think we need to be very careful about. And when we share our anger with others, we need to bring the patience, kindness and self-control.
And I would add – grace. I think grace looks like acknowledging that, for the most part, no one is trying to hurt us, especially our friends or spouses and so it is with them that we need to be slowest to anger and the most abiding in love.
We are a spirit-filled people, and His fruits should be evident in our lives, even in the crappy times.
I hope you read this not at all as an admonishment, but as additional information. Anger being my biggest marital buggaboo, this has been a very useful exercise for me, especially as I see some of that anger eeking out toward the girls, too.
May 4, 2007 at 9:22 am
With regard the anger that comes up in relationships, that immediately has someone’s name on it, I agree. But I think of that as a different animal than the kind of anger I have in mind. The anger that is most challenging for me is that which has no logical “recipient.” The large-but-vague thing that accompanies grief and life events that we can’t immediately process. For example, when someone dies, some people feel angry. Who to be angry at? the departed? God? None of that makes immediate sense. But the anger is there, and will disappear more quickly if “listened to.” I think. I think the only safe way to acknowledge this kind of anger is alone, or away from others, in the same way that one would dismantle a bomb. That’s why it’s “work” and I need to approach it creatively. THere is some overlap, of course; the life-stuff anger can be unfairly directed at people, or leak into situations where it’s not relevant. But I find it does that most when it’s unacknowledged, or not “detonated” properly.
May 4, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Lately I’ve come to believe that humility a balm to anger. Not that anger won’t come up, not that it’s “not okay”. But anger often seems to have pride at it’s root and I’ve really felt these past months that really meditating on humility and how it should be my stance at ALL times has helped me in times of anger. And belive me, I’ve had some 😉
May 4, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Is anger it’s own set apart emotion do you think or does it function more as a cloak, generally speaking?
I’ll talk ’bout anger anytime, baby…good post, thank you for putting it out there.
May 5, 2007 at 7:36 am
Thank you, thank you. And yes, I think of it as the “cork” that holds in all the other stuff like (for me) fear mostly, sometimes grief. But the cork… it’s in the way sometimes.
May 5, 2007 at 11:13 am
sometimes it feels good to just scream it out…so, maybe it’s just UNDER the cork…lol…when you shake the bottle too much you dislodge the cork with a bang.
May 5, 2007 at 11:13 am
sometimes it feels good to just scream it out…so, maybe it’s just UNDER the cork…lol…when you shake the bottle too much you dislodge the cork with a bang.
May 11, 2007 at 11:56 am
In re-reading and reconsidering my own reply above, I realize that it’s that “no logical recipient” anger that I tend to hurl at my husband and children. Yes, maybe in the moment I am legitimately angry with one or all of them but, the level to which that anger can rise is often much more about that nagging fear that my “undercurrent anger” is really about. I think it’s what makes me quick to anger vs. slow to anger in legitimate anger situations.