Beta, shmeta.  I'm not buying it.  I had all this lovely nausea earlier in the week and around the second beta it has receded.  Not completely gone.  I am thanking God for the second beta every day otherwise I'd be freaking out for sure. 

I still believe I'm pregnant but not completely.  I feel a lot of changes, tiredness, sleepiness, weirdness with appetite, blah blah blah.  It's just so bizarre. Just like that?  I wonder.  What was so hard about that?  Some embryos just die and some really live.  I hope these stay in the latter category but it's all so capricious and completely out of my control.  I still have this fear that they'll just die, God knows it happens.  But whether they keep growing or not is almost completely out of my hands.  Sometimes that's comforting, sometimes not.

I'm just telling myself that it's a marathon, not a sprint.  It's kind of a sprint for them, with the doubling / tripling numbers and how fast they grow at the beginning.  But for me this probably has to be about all kinds of patience. 

It's probably not too soon to say that I am acutely aware of anyone reading who just had a negative, or a shitty beta, or some other bad result.  I am acutely aware that I might be one of those blogs that gives you the desert island feeling – you know, where you're still standing there while the rescue boat comes, but only some people get to get on.  I am sorry to be the giver of pain, and when the day comes that I forget to be grateful, that I whine about the little things instead of appreciating the big things, you can say so.  This is my blog, and I invite it.  Say it because it needs to be said, or say it because it makes you feel better, or both. 



!! What a relief.  As usual I was in a state of fear & freakout. 

Please click here and join me in dancing around the room.

U/S Monday.





I wrote about how I went down the rabbit hole with HPTs yesterday and the post didn't save.  All I can say is don't buy the digital tests that come in two pieces.

I thought yesterday's test might have been fading and then I obsessed and worried a lot.  Today's was nice and strong in the half-dark and that's that. 

Beta results come in at or after 1 p.m. CDT.

1) POAS-ing: Just once today – stronger plus sign 

2) weeping: joy

3) weeping: fear

4) weeping: hormones

5) watching "Juno" from a different point of view; weeping again

6) napping (odd)

7) feeling picky, peckish, crappetite and otherwise food-ambivalent

8) complaining about the heat

9) reading other people's early pregnancy entries on blogs

10) feeling guilty that some people still aren't pregnant

11) looking at post-partum bellies here, and scoffing – after losing almost 100 lbs., I look like that NOW

12) reading 1 Samuel 2: weeping some more

13) reading nice comments: weeping more

14) looking up blog entries of my chemical pregnancy from March '07 and wondering if there is still time for me to have a beta of 10

9) craving salt / feeling thirsty

10) drinking tons of water, EVEN THOUGH it may affect my POAS results (but it hasn't)

11) walking to the store in the heat to buy more peesticks

12) worrying about throwing up

13) wishing I were throwing up

14) trying not to tell people

15) looking at first trimester bellies here

16) cackling

17) counting up weeks on the calendar

18) not writing counted-up weeks on the calendar in case I don't get that far

19) feeling redeemed, sanctified, and whole in a way that I never thought possible

20) forgetting things

21) forcing myself to STOP photographing every peestick

22) boring my friends to death explaining the minor difference in detected HcG levels between the FRER and the plus / minus peestick

22) thinking about something else …. not very much.

DSCN0816 It's faint, but, there, yes?  I'm not making this up, right?  This is a pic when it was only about 4 minutes old.  I swore I wouldn't test again so soon but have done 2 today, one with FMU and this one which is a tiny bit darker.  I think.  You see the line, right?  Am I making it up?

peeonastick.com says if it's pink it's not an evaporation line, also it showed up right away. 

So, yeah I think it's really there, I think it is.  Um.  Yeah.

I got a very, very, very faint line on an EPT just now. 

I've been feeling a little … oogy… just a little, so I decided I could summon up the nerve to POAS.

So, uh.  Yeah.

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