Today my estrogen level was 20.  This means my ovaries are shut down and not doing anything.  My last estrogen level from the Bad Clinic?  636. Supposedly.  Hm.  My lining, described by nurse at the Bad Clinic as “you couldn’t hope for a better lining” was a barely adequate 7.  (millimeters?  I guess)

The good news is we can probably get my levels up to where they need to be and my cycle won’t be canceled.  We are maybe “stuck” here in Chicago a few extra days which would be fun.  We’re staying with friends who have plenty of room, so it’s not about a huge hotel bill.

Today’s trip was pretty good.  My coordinator had me pick up some Estrace tablets, which go not in the mouth but in the hoo-hoo.  That was a schlep to a Walgreen’s, a half hour wait before they figured out they didn’t have it, the promise that another Walgreen’s had it ready for me, arriving at that Walgreen’s and finding that they did not have it ready; no, they did not start filling it until I walked in the door.  Walgreen’s has been sucking lately and I’m getting ready to switch my considerable pharmaceutical business elsewhere.

My coordinator wanted me to start the estrace immediately, so I pulled over on Skokie Boulevard and shoved that sucker where the sun don’t shine.

But how much could that TN clinic screw up, anyway?  Turns out, a lot.  I’m still waiting to hear from Blue Cross, who has been trying to get them on the phone for almost a week.  And my coordinator told me that they never did send any results on the same day, and they actually did not send my saline ultrasound results at all.  Ever.

In all this, my coordinator handed me the forbidden apple by saying  “Are you sure you only want to transfer one?”

Ohhh I am so tempted.  My cycling life has now become complicated.  I probably have no clinic to do local monitoring.  If we move the embryos to TN, I still have no clinic to do my FET for me.  There is a nice local clinic but not in my BC PPO.  If we transfer two, there is a better chance we’ll end up with a pregnancy and hopefully an end to all this hassle-iciousness.  If we transfer one, there is less chance we’ll end up with a pregnancy and not a lot of good options to cycle again.  If we transfer one, there is smaller chance that we’ll end up with a pregnancy but no fear of twins.  If we transfer two, there is some chance of twins.  If I become pregnant with twins there is more chance of a complicated pregnancy, and that sometimes means losing one or both.  Or serious damage and risk to me.  And that’s all before we even have two babies to care for.

I’m sliding into the rosy fantasyland of how “fun” twins are… how cute… how ? plentiful, my cup runneth over, abundant after so much waiting and desert and all that.

This is bad, people.  We cannot have twins.  We cannot handle twins.   My husband is gone 3 days a week.  I was completely sick with one baby for nine months.  I don’t want to be in the NICU, not for one day.  I don’t want to have two 4 pound babies.  I want one 7 pounder.  I need to be strong and transfer one embryo.  One.