I need some.  I have some, of course, but … I really need some.

Last night I went to a wedding and there were only two couples there that I knew well.  Both of the women have children via IVF and have had subsequent adventures with attempts to conceive more children, via more IVFs.   I got in a little bit of conversation with them that wasn’t nearly enough.  We talked a bit about religious people criticizing us for doing IVF, what to do with “leftover” frozen embryos, our birth stories, and parenting in general.

The everyday friends and conversations I have now are great, but they’re not as perfect a fit as these battle-tested women are.  I guess that’s why, when we went to find our assigned tables, I almost cried when I found out I was seated away from them.  The rest of the wedding flew by, and we had to leave way earlier than I wanted to, because of picking up the baby from the babysitter and the baby wakes up at 6 am and yadda yadda.

I feel so sad today.  Squeezed between the time pressures of parenting and the relative scarcity of post-infertility parents, or over-40 moms, my chances of deep and specific female friendship featuring that particular element are not looking good.  At least, they are not looking easy.

I guess I thought I’d leave that element behind and happily bond with fertile women as though we are the same.  Maybe some people do.  I’ve never been one of those “leave the past / never look back”  kind of people.  It’s healthy to move on but it’s also healthy to accept that past experiences, including wounds, are part of me.

Reading blogs is great and saved me when the infertility was all there was.  But now it feels so sad.  I know there are women like me out there, but they aren’t here. And obviously parenting after infertility isn’t the only thing… but it’s important whether I want it to be or not. I so miss the days of being twentysomething, where the girl down the hall in your dorm who wears your jeans size or likes your favorite singer is your perfect match and you can throw yourself into bestfriendship in one afternoon during the first week of school.

Obviously, as my friend needs grow more specific, the bond is more satisfying.  Relationships are more complicated and richer as we get older.  But right now they just feel few and far between and I’m reminded of the bleak feeling I had during my single years.  How could the right person be out there when it had been a desert for so long?

I haven’t let myself hope for a BFF for many years.  I think, in my head, that a best friend is definitely possible.  But forever?  That’s pretty difficult.  Whenever I get a good thing going with a best girlfriend, something messes with it.  If you’re both single, somebody gets a boyfriend or gets married.  If you’re both fat, somebody loses weight.  I have friends like that where we still click and still love each other, but the status change divides us whether we want it to or not.  If you get through all that, somebody has a baby.  Some friendships make the cut through all that but as we all know, many do not; or they lose their shiny BF status and become just less important friends.

I was surprised at myself last night.  Loneliness welled up in me in ways I did not expect.  I have a great life and have made a surprising number of friends in the 10 months we’ve been in our new home.   And being a mom who is a little different from the other moms is way the hell better than not being a mom at all.  But still…