You're still there. 

So, what's happening?  D. is 4 and a half months old.  My husband takes every opportunity there is to do math in his head and is therefore quick to remind me that 2 weeks does not make half a month.  But he's not here at the moment, so four and a half months it is.  D. is very cute, he is at the moment squealing like Flipper, rolling over from back to belly, trying to crawl but not being able to do a thing except cry, gumming everything fabric and smiling lots.

There is always a number one question for whatever stage of pregnancy / parenting one is, and right now it's "does he sleep through the night?" and the answer is that he is working on it.  I'm actually not a big fan of sleeping through the night at the moment, because when he wakes and gets a bottle somewhere between 10 pm and 4 am, he might sleep past 6.  Otherwise he starts squawking anywhere from 5 am on, with the intention of being fully awake and ready to party soon thereafter.  I am Morning Girl around here so there is no sleeping in for me.  Ever.

While the sleep dep thing unquestionably sucks, it has not sucked for me as badly as I thought it would.  This is because 1) I expected it to feel so much worse 2) it hasn't been as bad for us as some 3) I have a husband who actually does HALF of the night wakings, and I'm very grateful; and 4) after having had insomnia for a decade already, I have had to conclude that getting eight hours of uninterrupted sleep is for pussies.

So much of wrapping our lives around something as world-altering as a new baby seems to be about what we expected.  I have to say that the infertile years really knocked my expectations all to bits, which makes me happier now.  Having a baby to care for is hard, but trying to have one is harder.  Even had we been able to periodically enjoy our child-free status during the Trying Years by jetting off to Europe or drinking sangria by the pitcher with girlfriends…

..well I did do THAT actually…

I couldn't really enjoy any of that freedom.  Youth is wasted on the young, freedom is wasted on the free.  Anyway, compared to the Trying Years, this baby time is better, even though it's waaay harder.

One of my favorite parts of the baby time, now, is that I feel like I can finally contemplate / plan for The Rest of My Life.  Some of that is some scary s*** like aging, but at least I can look it in the face instead of freaking out a la "Idontevenhaveababyyetandi'malreadysoOOOOOOOOLLLLD…." I don't have to live my life always looking down two roads – the If We Do (have a baby) and If We Can't, and If We Can't kind of went right off a cliff for me.

To friends who still suffer and look down the two roads, I don't have any good words to say or ways to fast-forward this sucky part of it. Except: For me that suffering does pay off now, in gratitude and improved perspective, in lowered – hell, shattered – expectations, and in improved patience.  I don't like waiting through a time that is just plain assy, but I have done it before.

So yes I am still here and instead of agonizing in the customary way of the post-infertile parent about What to Blog About Now, I'm just going to keep writing. 

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