Two nights ago I sat on my bed at 4:30 holding a screaming baby and cried right along with him.  Last night we both slept like… well, we both slept a lot.  The difference was the thing I thought we needed to avoid like the plague: a bottle.

I have been bravely feeding with the SNS, which is the bottle-hanging-from-a-string-with-tubes contraption.  But for some reason our little baby couldn't get a lot of milk through those tubes, so our feedings were starting to take more than two hours and he still wasn't getting enough.  So I was trying to fit in a feeding every 2-3 hours, the feedings themselves were taking 2+ hours, the baby was cranky and hungry even after they were over, and I was about to lose my mind.

Yet another tearful call to the lactation consultant and I ended up buying this cool, squishy bottle by Adiri that looks like a breast. 

I figured "bottle" was code for "giving up on breastfeeding" but it isn't… I can switch back and forth from breast to bottle and Daniel doesn't seem to care.  I'm trying to increase my milk supply by taking domperidone, and in the meantime giving about 40% breast milk and the rest is the dreaded formula. 

It is what it is. 

I have cried many tears over this breastfeeding… drama… disappointment… failure… whatever we call it.  They are the same tears I cried when my eggs didn't work, when my IVFs didn't work, when my perfectly good blastocysts refused to implant.  The same "why don't my lady bits work like they're supposed to" grief, compounded by the stupid wrong idea that since a bunch of stuff didn't work last year, everything else ought to work to make up for it. 

[sound of my hitting my head against something]

Are you bored yet?  I am.  I am tired of crying over the same thing.  It is what it is.  Am I learning to compromise and let go of my expectations?  I don't know… I do it because i have to but I still suck at it.

I have faith that the domperidone will work… it can take a few weeks to kick in.  And why not?  A medicine that sounds like "Dom Perignon" has got to be good.

Anyway, feeding with a bottle is wonderful.  Suddenly the baby is fed, happy and sleepy within a half hour.  I can hold him comfortably.  We talk and sing songs.  Well, he doesn't sing since he has his mouth full, but I do.  I don't have to put tape on my nipples anymore.  I can still feed him at the breast.  My husband will be able to feed him with pumped breastmilk at 3 am and when I actually get more than 2 hours of sleep in a row, look out!  I'm going to feel amazing.

I feel close to amazing now.  What a relief.