I am definitely in "stuff mode" for this pregnancy, which means getting the nursery (such as it is) ready and figuring out what stuff we need, and where to put it.  It's been hard.

For some reason, clothes for the baby freak me out.  They're so personal, and soooo cute, and I continue to torture myself with them.  If you've had any losses you know the kind of torture I mean: I imagine that we somehow lose this baby and then I'll be confronted by it all:  his clothes, his cute little washcloths and hooded towels and bears and onesies and all the stuff.

It's a pretty futile thing that I do to myself, that little sting of negative thought.  I've mentioned it before. It is almost as if I'm trying to inoculate myself, give myself a shot of "reality" so I don't "forget" the bad things that could happen.  I've always done this and I'm trying to focus on how unhealthy it is.  Also, it doesn't work.

Do I really think that some kind of tragedy would hurt less because I have rehearsed it beforehand?  That I could face it with less pain because some part of me is saying "I knew it!"  How sad is that?

A few people have asked me if I had fun at my showers, or said "I hope you enjoyed it."  I probably had a look on my face like I wasn't happy.  All I can say is, I was as happy as I could let myself be.  Happy to see friends, touched that friends wanted to celebrate me.  But oh, every cute thing that I opened made me a little bit more squirrelly as I struggled with my little internal shot of … fear.

So I have been pushing through.  I have stuff for the baby, I need stuff for the baby, and not acquiring anything until he comes, or not unpacking it, is a possible strategy.  But it's not a good one for me. I don't want the postpartum days and nights to be a mad chaos of unpacking and not knowing where the thing I need for the screaming baby is. 

I don't want to give in to my worst, darkest thoughts.  I'm also mindful of my acupuncturist's homework, part of which was to figure out what being ready for birth looks like, and get there.

So I'm unpacking, and putting away, and acquiring.  We went to see a new friend who was selling off an amazing mountain of little boy clothes at garage sale prices, and bought quite a bit.  I wanted to stop, many times, but my husband really got into it.  I cried on the way home about how afraid I was, and he understood.  He said "I have to trust that God is good now, and not wait until the baby is here safely, because that's not faith."

That's hard for me.  God is good, but babies still die, and one thing I have learned is that God's goodness isn't about protecting me from all harm.  Perhaps I have learned this too well.  Maybe I need to trust God to protect us from at least some harm.  I used to find comfort there, and I want that comfort back.

Sigh.

In the meantime… boy do we have cute stuff!  However, I am perplexed by clothes for very tiny babies.  How often does a 2 or 3 month old baby need to be wearing an outfit?  It can't be as comfortable as the onesies and the sleeper thingies.  In my "what to bring to the birth" lists, which seem to obligate us to rent a u-haul, it says "2-3 onesies and an outfit to go home in."  My husband wondered if he is supposed to go home in a little tuxedo.  I guess for some people that's an important tradition or photo op.  I hope I'm not supposed to dress him in clothes just for a trip to the grocery store or wherever – I personally would wear a onesie to the grocery store myself if I could get away with it… and a diaper, for that matter.

Tomorrow … more about everything I've been doing to turn the baby.

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