So, Christmas was great.  Everyone was on their best behavior and my house held everyone comfortably.  My mother made about a thousand cookies and several meals.  I pitched in and made the Christmas dinner which was turkey with only some of the trimmings.  I draw the line at potatoes and stuffing, and don't venture into the craziness of potatoes+stuffing+bread+sweet potatoes.  We got crazy with the amount of turkey and now have so much left over I can't even stand to look at it.

Many were concerned that I would "overdo" but I don't think I did… symptoms of "overdoing" for me are usually about collapsing in tears at the worst possible time and becoming too exhausted or pain-ridden to finish what I started. 

I worried that I would care too much about this Christmas since I have wanted to host Christmas for so long, but I didn't.  The pregnancy books say that I will become introspective and … some other nice word for self-involved… and I suppose I have.  I feel like part of my emotions are just on hold, maybe because I'm afraid to feel too much or I'm afraid that we might somehow lose this baby so I need to be on ice a bit. 

I was a little sad when everyone left but mostly because the future is a giant blank.  I have spent my life striving for the Next Thing; graduate school, marriage, family, move, and here I am.  The idea that this is IT, at least for a while, can be terrifying.  It must sound ridiculous, since the IT that this is is pretty great.  The terrifying comes from my identity as striver, as someone who is not there yet.  If this is it, then this is who I am and the things that I hoped would get fixed, aren't.

I'm also going to have to stop being someone who is defined by her accomplishments, unless keeping the baby alive and healthy for another day counts.  (It should).  Because what the world considers to be an "accomplishment," even if it's just a load of laundry or a pot of stew, might not be as easy for me to crank out once the baby gets here. 

I'm getting lots of practice with the non-accomplishing now, what with my general lack of ability to do much.  The carpal tunnel goes on and I now have hip pain at night and what is up with that?  I thought I was full of relaxin or some other pregnant juice that makes everything loose but my IT bands and hip / thigh muscles feel like somebody tuned them up an octave.  I need more experimentation with pillows, more massage, more stretching and more strategic timing of my night-time Tylenol.  As usual I am plagued with guilt when I think about women who do this being pregnant thing while working their jobs or doing other important things.  I do nothing that is important except gestate.

At my Centering group yesterday I lost another .2 lbs.  I don't know where it is coming from since the baby is growing and I now have several gallons of extra fluid on board.  My midwife asked me about our plans for birth control, and when I stopped laughing and told her that I felt that both infertility and my being 45 were going to work prrrretty well, she said "oh, not necessarily."  Eh, whatever.

The woman next to me at Centering, pregnant with her third, said she never goes past 36 weeks.  Which for us is in … two weeks.  I'm so sure that I'll be one of those 42-week unfortunates that I didn't even think about that option.  !!  Much to do.

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