The truth is, I am still feeling as sick as I was at weeks 9 / 10, on some days.  The frequency of nausea and the time it takes up is a little bit less.  The severity is often less but not always.  Is it getting better?  A little.

I am constantly reinforced by lots of people to think / hope that it will be completely gone soon.  But that's maybe not helping.  Whenever I have a good day, the bad day that inevitably follows is harder to take because of expectations.

It took me a while to realize this but it reminds me of marathon training.  We had a schedule where we ran a long run on the weekend, and a short(er) one mid-week.  The long one would be the longest we'd run so far, getting ever longer.  We might run 12, 13, and 14 on subsequent Saturdays, while the Wednesdays in between would be 6, 7, and 8.  Well, guess which runs were really hard and always sucked?  The Wednesdays.  Why?  Because we expected those to be easy, we thought we'd bang 'em out without trying as hard. We often focused on time during those runs, trying to get our pace faster instead of just putting the miles in. 

Similarly, as I am now well into my second trimester, the idea that still being sick is very unusual and has to end soon just makes the sick days harder. 

Because food is my lover and my comfort, being unable to enjoy it makes me sad and depressed.  I don't claim to be very emotionally healthy in that way: it's just where I am.  Chronic nausea is a downer for anybody.  I'll be honest: it's been hard.  I cry every day. 

It's maddeningly inconsistent.  Sometimes a nap helps.  Sometimes I go to sleep feeling OK and wake up feeling much pukier.  This is the only time in my whole life that I absolutely don't crave sugar, but I must consume it daily because it's the only thing that calms the nausea.  (Who would have thought, it figures…. )

The other day I let myself complain that I felt a little bit cheated of the wonderful second trimester, the "normal" pregnancy that it seems like "everybody else" gets.  But I couldn't do it for too long.  Having a pregnancy at all is amazing and there is no "everybody else," anyway. 

I'd rather have nice high betas and no complications (so far) than food cravings and a decent appetite.  Uh… mostly.

The trashing of expectations helped me a lot when I was cycling.  Forget conceiving naturally, forget conceiving with my own eggs, forget conceiving on the second, fourth, fifth try.  Forget twins or a singleton or a boy or a girl or a baby born in a certain month.  Forget a cute bump and adorable maternity clothes.  Forget birth plans and perfect "birthstories" and all that.  Whatever baby I can scrounge up out of this whole experience is the right baby.

So that's the way my pregnancy paradigm needs to change.  Like those long Saturday runs, I need to just hydrate and hope to survive.  I hope for healty living baby, reasonably healthy living me, when this is all over.  Being able to eat a few vegetables once in a while now, being able to breastfeed later, would be nice bonuses. 

In the meantime I'm trying to work the mental-emotional end of the nausea.  Rest more, stress less.   I'll keep taking the Zofran for as long as I need it and not going to stress about it or "wean myself" off it if I still feel crappy.  I'm going to try and find an acupuncturist down here to replace the irreplaceable Dr. Lee, and I have a new morning sickness remedy on order that I will report on, once I try it.

I feel better already.  (sort of).

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