I'm in my second week of Our Brand New Life or whatever this is.  There is plenty to do, which makes me feel more secure.  Long blocks of empty time make me feel useless and that leads me to a deeper uselessness, which would be Not Good.

My husband and I have always enjoyed each others' company a little bit too much, meaning that I don't involve myself as energetically in other friendships as I should.  We also both like being alone a little bit too much. 

Now that I am suddenly transplanted to East Tennessee and my husband is suddenly gone three days a week, commuting back to the old job in Chicago, I need to be more proactive.   I got on Meetup.com and found a group of women who are new to the area, and a moms' group based in my small town.

I love the idea of the moms' group.  There seems to be a deep need for support and community among the moms that signals easier acceptance, kind of like the hearty welcome I always enjoyed at Overeaters Anonymous.  It seems like getting out of the house and being with other moms and kids is more important than being exquisitely compatible with whoever they turn out to be.

But I'm surprised at myself.  While it seems perfectly logical for me to jump in and go to a playgroup, even if my kid is happily playing by him/herself in utero at the moment (and I think I felt a flutter today), I am having that dog-at-the-vet feeling of "don't make me go."

Partly it's my old knee-jerk response.  A room full of women with kids?  Are you nuts?  I keep forgetting I have crossed over.  Or at least I am in the crossing.

Another part is … I don't know.  As I come to these pregnant moments that I always wanted, all I do is notice ways that I don't fit in.  Yes, I'm starting to have a belly, but it still just looks like fat.  I don't want to take any belly pictures until it looks like baby and not blubber.  I am not like other 18 1/2 weeks-pregnant-girls.  I'm scared to go to the moms' group because 1) I don't have a kid, and I already know what that feels like, and 2) (slight whine) I'm so oooold. 

Now I can add "Not from around here" to my list of reasons why I don't fit in.  In my lucid moments I know that being different can be a good thing, and lots of people here aren't from around here, and pregnancy seems to transcend lots of other factors like age.  And who knows, there might be other superannuated primiparas out there, once I start looking around.

It makes perfect sense for me to go to this moms' group.  Some of them are pregnant, surely, and it makes sense to check it out before I have a screaming newborn and meeting a bunch of new people seems completely impossible.  And it's not like I don't have absolutely tons to learn about all things kid.

As usual, I am not noticing the blissfully normal parts of my pregnant experience – my lack of medical complications or scariness at my OB appointments, my body's seeming cooperation in areas like blood pressure and weight, the fact that I am pregnant at all.  I just focus on the parts that stand out, like my never-ending forever nausea and digestive drama.  My age.  Whaaah.  It's my job to take the bad with the good; it is my honor, actually.  So yes, I will try to go to a mom's group soon.