Today I am sixteen weeks pregnant.   It's been my way of telling as I continue on my farewell tour this week: "Do I look four months pregnant?"  I fear the truthful answer is "Nah, you just look fat."  But thank God one rarely gets the truthful answer.

What do we think about the "You look beautiful!" comments?  On the one hand, I figure I probably am quite a bit relieved of the burden of infertility / cycling / stress / grief, and that may actually show up on my face.  On the other hand, I think I look tired and fat, and people are just projecting beauty onto me because this is a happy time and happy = beautiful.  On the third hand, who cares.  

I am doing sort of okay with the body image thing.  Years ago, when I was 250 pounds, my first husband told me that if I didn't lose weight, he didn't care; he didn't see why I couldn't just "put on a flowered dress and get on with it."  (Yes, astute reader, he did turn out to be gay, but back then he was just sort of pre-gay, and that's another topic altogether.)

The wisdom of putting on a flowered dress and getting on with it is inescapable.  How to actually do it?  Obviously I have a whole lot of fat-girl baggage.  But I'm just going to get fatter and pregnant-er and I need to suck it up.  A big piece of how to do this is clothes.  I've been big and I've been smaller and my style changed a lot.  When I was bigger, on a good day I would go a little more flamboyant; enjoy bright colors and jewelry and not try to hide my size.  I am remembering how to do this now.  I'm also remembering some tricks: short (but not too short) full skirts look better on me, bike shorts help to minimize the inner thigh chafe, comfortable shoes are prettier than uncomfortable shoes when you count the grimace of pain on my face that the pretty shoes will cause after an hour.

I'm trying to remember that I'm not the only fat girl in the world who got pregnant, that lots of pregnant girls have a little baby belly in the midst of the jelly and once again: it is what is / who cares.   Being pregnant is wondrous and still unexpected and an amazing gift.

It's also been about heartburn that is relentless this week.  Anything that makes me choose between eating and lying down is most unwelcome. 

We have less than a week before we pack the truck and leave.  I have a feeling that once we get to The Other Side of all this stress, the heartburn and whatever other symptoms du jour will be better.