I have yet to see midwife or OB.  I was hoping to see the midwife in TN, yesterday, but figured out at the last minute that my insurance won’t allow me to see a health care provider in a different state from where I live.  This is annoying and stupid, of course; what do people do who have two homes or commute or whatever?  My husband and I have two homes, at the moment, and not in a good way.  Anyway, my insurance has done what is important so far, i.e., pay for most of six IVFs including some of the drugs, and lots of people don’t have insurance at all, so I can’t complain.  And nobody made me go on an almost three-week vacation.  Our psychotically needy cat continues to point this out in pitiful meows all night long that are her way of saying “welcome home, p.s., you suck.”

Which is not to say that finding out yesterday that I couldn’t keep my long-awaited midwife appointment wasn’t disappointing.  In fact it sent me into a grand mal pregnant hormone-fueled meltdown of weeping that was, uh, impressive.  I felt like my 3-year old niece who can sustain long bouts of weeping with “But I waaaaaant it!”  Yeah, I want it too.  I am pretty sure I’m still pregnant and my baby is fine, but I haven’t seen a doctor and haven’t seen the baby (via ultrasound) since week 9 and I’m almost at 13 now.  Waaah.

I made a backup OB appointment way back before I went on my vacation, and “His next available” was eons away, as in next Monday, so that’ll be it.  My phone call of today to see if there were any cancellations was met with stonewalling rudeness on the part of one receptionist who snapped “no cancellations” as if I was asking to borrow money. 

Whatever.  I’ll do anything for an ultrasound.

I’m so torn.  On the one hand I resist all the medicalization of pregnancy which, despite the incredibly unnatural measures it took to get me here, is a natural state.  The baby doesn’t need a lot of help to grow to full term; it’s either going to grow and develop or it isn’t, and I hate the drama that I create in my head about that.  But on the other hand, if something is going wrong and can be fixed or helped, I’d like to know about it.  Most importantly I’d love the reassurance that everything is fine. 

I think I’ve missed the window for the first round of tests that I don’t want, which I think is CVS.  I don’t want most of the tests; we’re not going to terminate under any circumstances that I can think of and I’ve heard too many horror stories of false positives.  So that’s one good thing.

In an unrelated but oddly normal development, as I move through my 12th week, the nausea is very gradually but definitely tapering off.