I’m slightly in denial about this cycle.  I procrastinated for two weeks about setting up acupuncture appointments after forgetting about them completely.  Usually I am at my acupuncturist’s weeks ahead of transfers.  I finally went yesterday and it was so relaxing.  It’s a drive for me, though less from my new location, and traffic around here is starting to be unbearable.  Has the traffic changed? Probably, but it’s my tolerance for it that has really changed.  I’m just tired of congestion and competition for everything from parking spaces to shopping carts to space.  It seems like everybody else is tired of it too.  A mild-mannered subway-riding friend tells me that people have gotten ruder, pushing onto a subway car when the door opens, before other riders can get off.  He tells me "I’ve just started putting my elbows out."  When you ride the same train at the same time every day, you notice trends like that.   Depressing.

Anyway, what was I talking about?  Yeah, my cycle.  Rather, what was I not talking about.  This could be healthier, of course, rather than getting very very wrapped up in every detail.  It could be very healthy to back-burner something so important that I have so little control over. 

Speaking of no control, I hate that.  I now know enough about Me, Pregnant to know that mid-June is either going to be about grief or it’s going to be about throwing up.  Or, if I get to go another special Bonus Round, both.

I read something helpful in the NYTimes awhile back.  In an interview with Daniel Gilbert, happiness researcher, Dr. Gilbert tells us that most of us aren’t as devastated by bad life events as we expect to be.  He says:

The truth is, bad things don’t affect us as profoundly as we expect them to. That’s true of good things, too. We adapt very quickly to either.

This is certainly how it’s gone for me.  I didn’t know how I would "handle" pregnancy losses.  "Handle" is not accurate – we don’t "handle" miscarriages, they handle us.  And not with care.  Anyway, they were awful and terrible but I did bounce back.  This is my reality and I feel used to it.  Weird.

I’m keeping this idea close because if miscarriages aren’t as difficult, that means that having the longed-for pregnancy followed by the longed-for living baby might not be as over-the-moon happy either. 

Anyway, as you can tell, talking about the actual cycle just keeps slipping away from me.  I have had my two checkups, my lining is fine, my hormone levels are fine.  I’m feeling pretty good.  The estrogen part usually causes painful stomachaches as my ovarian cysts swell, but they haven’t been bad.  My moods are even, which is surprising.  I transfer a week from Tuesday.  There is plenty to do here in rehab central which is nice.

I am hungry for encouraging stories.  Let me tell you what encouragement is for me.  It’s someone who had to do more than 3 DE IVFs and had success.  Also successful FETs… I’ve gotten pregnant on both my fresh cycles but not from FETs, not even a chemical.  People getting pregnant "on their own" after treatments, or "finally" getting pregnant on their first DE IVF, eh, not so much.  Good for you, didn’t happen for me.

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