Somebodys_mom_promo_still_just_rela My friend Sarah sent over this picture from the video she’s working on for the IIFF which is of course the International Infertility Film Festival.  End of the month, I think?  Anyway, it’s a music video… can you guess what the song is about?

In other news, many rays of sunshine are breaking through this week.  First of all the bloggy love coming my way both on- and offline has been very healing and is much appreciated.  Mel over at Stirrup Queens and her Clickers have a way of sending the love right when you need it. 

Secondly, I have lost 6 pounds.   This is dramatic, huge, and never happens.  I may start another blog if this keeps up because I may have found The Thing That Really Works (For Me).  When I hit the 10-lb. mark… must be sure this really keeps up.

Finally, I am really, really, really reaping the benefits of this cycling break.  I just didn’t want to do it for so long and just kept thinking the next cycle would be "the one" and then I’d feel better and all this long nightmare would be over.  Underneath all that was my fear that if I stopped cycling, the pain of not having children and time rushing by would drown me.  Who would I be, even for a few months, if I were not on my way to having a child?   I have said that being overweight wouldn’t bother me if I were pregnant, that my age wouldn’t bother me if I were, if all this emotional and physical wear were actually getting me closer to having our family, then it wouldn’t bother me. 

But that’s not true, for me.  It does bother me and I’m scared.  I can’t go back to being 250 lbs. like I was.  I can’t let the hormonal lows get any deeper than they did. I don’t want to get diabetes, gestational or otherwise, and in the madness of back-to-back cycling I was starting to think that anything was worth it if we ended up with our babies.  Not everyone has a choice about stuff like diabetes, and I may not either, but I can work on my weight and hope for the best. 

So I’m taking a break and it turns out the pain didn’t drown me.  The anger is a big presence, but I am learning more about how to live with it, let it out, even direct it in positive directions.  The pain that did come turned out to be a giant neon arrow saying "hurt here, work HERE. Heal. Here."  And, with the help of God and trained professionals, I am. 

I am also getting back a piece of myself.  No, I’m not ready to assume the identity of a childless person.  I try it on, every now and then, like my next smallest pair of jeans; and like the jeans, the childless thing hurts a lot and squeezes me into an alien shape.  The jeans, I will get into.  The other, I don’t think so.  But for some reason, the identity of someone who is childless for now is bearable. 

Part of that may be the utility of being childless.  I couldn’t see it before but I am appreciating it now.  My husband and I are enjoying a very nurturing time for each other and our marriage.  I’ve got so much free time, me time, we time that any mother should hate me. 

It’s also nice to remember that I chose it.  I didn’t choose to be infertile, I didn’t choose the timing of my marriage to coincide with turning 40 and all that.  But I did choose IVFs, drugs, doctors, betas and all that, and while I didn’t have a lot of other options, I still made the choice.  Now, when this break ends, I will re-choose All That again, and I understand that better now.

So, thank you.  Thank you Stirrup Queens, thank you nice commenters, thank you pain and insight (one seems to invite the other).  Thanks for healing, both of the heart and the ankle ligaments.  Thanks to God and mental health professionals. 

This time of year, and during tough emotional times I often feel like the spider, the eentsy-weentsy one; this week I’m happily climbing towards the sky again.