For the first time in a long time I am not going to cycle (re-cycle? hmmm) at my soonest opportunity.  I’m going to wait one cycle.  The reasons for this are grim, good, and optimistic.  The grim reason is my mental health needs some time.  The Lupron time was rough during my last cycle, and why yes it was Christmas, New Year’s, and early January in New York City – all depressing venues for me – but still.  The good reason is that I may be actually losing weight and I don’t want to mess with that.  After being a champion weight-loser in my earlier life, while trying to conceive for almost five years I have been stuck, helplessly watching 30 pounds pile on even as I did all the things that used to work.  Now I have found some kind of diet mojo and I won’t bore you with it except to say that there are a whole lot of vegetables going on up in here. 

And hope, yes.  The fat has blurred with the infertility into a kind of crushing despair and shame, just a greasy mess of failure and humiliation that I wear along with the women’s size 1x items that are now cropping up in what passes for my wardrobe.  Ugh.  Finding some diet mojo this past week has been so thrilling in the midst of all that mess.   There are glittering threads of impractical, false, and dangerous thinking in the thrill that I feel: maybe losing 15 lbs. will help me to get pregnant?  Maybe I’ll somehow earn my pregnancy if I can take off some weight?  Actually the first thread may have some truth to it.  I’m sure that 30 extra pounds does nothing good for my endocrine system. 

But still, I am so excited about getting this weight off, so forget trying to cycle this month.

The immersion therapy continues to go well.  I feel so much better.  I don’t have my shoulders up around my ears, expecting more pain from strangers or pregnant friends.  I have to sometimes gasp and then mutter "people do that, people say that, I would too…" but gosh it really works. I’m able to agree with other points of view sometimes, the way that some women have taken a lot of heat and anger from their infertile friends or family members and still feel hurt, bewilderment and anger themselves.   I feel lighter, less fearful, less angry and maybe that’s why taking weight off is now possible?  Hmmm….

The optimistic reason for postponing is that a cycle begun in March could result in a baby coming right at Christmas, and that’s not ideal.  I thought of this before I had other reasons to postpone, and laughed bitterly at the idea of planning around a pregnancy.  I’d just be an extra month older when THIS cycle fails, no worries about a December baby when there’s, hello, no baby.  Again.  But, in combination with the other reasons, it’s there.  (in Yoda voice: "mmm… optimistic you are.")

We have seven embryos left and they’re all of good to excellent quality, I guess.  I feel much less confident that this will ever work, and that is a dark and fearful place that I try not to visit very often.  Nevertheless, I actually think my next two-week-wait might be more peaceful because I know that no "symptom" is definitive and I must ignore them all. 

So I am pretending to be a normal person for a few weeks.  My Lupron* will start around Easter with a mid-to-late April transfer.

*for the spectators: a FET (frozen embryo transfer) starts with Lupron, which begins on day 21 of the previous cycle; then day 1 arrives, late because of the Lupron.  The transfer happens around day 20.  So it’s about 30-35 days, from the third week of one cycle to the middle of the next, from Lupron to transfer.

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