Today was just a bad day.  I was highly irritable just trying to get myself out the door to church and once I got there I found that if anyone the slightest bit sympathetic asked me how I was, I was going to cry.  Then I realized I wasn’t going to stop crying without major effort.  I am also experiencing cycle day 1 and it’s incredibly heavy.  I’m glad for the hormones to hit their low and moving on, and all that, but I’m just so sad today. 

I have been keeping busy all week with projects that I’m feeling upbeat about, so this first empty day left room for sadness I had been avoiding.   

I will say that the immersion therapy is working.  The pregnant blogs that felt like a stab in my gut last week I am now feeling used to.  I force myself to click on them.  The first few days I had to say it over and over again to myself: She is pregnant.  She is happy. I would be too.  She got pregnant on the first try.  People do that.  Et cetera.   I have been doing the same thing with kids and babies, the people letting their kid squirm and fuss in the church service, the people beaming while their adorable little girl toddles across the floor.  Kids are cute.  People do that.  I would too.

For me, this little "people do that – I would too" seems to separate me from others in a way that I need.  She is not pregnant at this exact time to drive me crazy; she is just, pregnant.  It has nothing to do with me.  I’m surprised how much this helps me.  Sometimes a rash of pregnancies can terrify me and make me feel panicky – maybe my situation is hopeless?  Maybe it really is possible for everyone else in the whole world and we just haven’t figured out yet that we’re screwed?

Paranoia aside, I am using these random fertile and pregnant people to heal myself.  Just a little homeopathic dose, maybe several times a day, and I don’t feel the sting nearly as much.  I still feel sad and alone and other things.  But I don’t feel angry and cheated and scared.  As much. 

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