Today’s HPT was negative.  I am cramping off and on after a few days of quiet.  I think I’ll be going into my next cycle with a long list of pregnancy symptoms that aren’t.  I’m feeling calm at the moment.  My husband still hopes and I do too.  A little.  This is 11 days after a 5 day transfer.  I have been literally adding the 11 to the 5 as an exact parallel to the quaint, antique-sounding "days past ovulation" measure (used by people who actually have sex to make a baby), but if the math is different when it’s a FET, a blast, me or all of the above, I don’t know about it.  Hope is fading.

I did a lot of work on the idea of how I have interpreted physical symptoms, and why I would feel so ashamed of getting them "wrong" when the whole thing is incredibly confusing.  So I feel less ashamed for the moment.  This is important since I have so much shame in me most of the time anyway.  Nevertheless it sucks that this long cycle of cycles just isn’t over.