I heard tiny, tinny voices inside the computer this morning… had to push the kitty off the computer to put my ear right up against it.  At first I thought they were saying "Boil that dust speck!" like in "Horton Hears a Who," which would be odd.  But then I realized they were saying "We want peesticks!" And I know you do, don’t you? 

Well, it’s 7 days past my 5 day transfer, and because I got my very first ever positive HPT one week after transfer, it’s now my traditional first POAS day.  I’m all about tradition.  So I did it, and it was negative.

You won’t hear me blubbering just yet, since I did that last time and ended up having a big, drama-queeny weekend of feeling sorry for myself followed by a whole bunch of positive pregnancy tests. 

And, well, yeah, an ectopic pregnancy, but that was later.

But it was embarrassing to give up so soon, so I won’t.  I’m also not concerned because my special pregnancy signs are in full swing with all their banners waving… for me that means mild cramping, sometimes motion-activated.  And, uh, dreams of a special nature, two nights in a row now.

It seems like a positive HPT sooner might be a good sign, but that’s so me.  I used to think that more, faster, sooner was always better. 

In the days before I felt bereft and cheated because I don’t have babies, I used to feel bereft and cheated because I didn’t have a husband and … hey that’s probably something I should look at. 

Anyway, in the long ago days of being single it always seemed like I would give my number to a guy (once a decade, when one would ask) and I’d still be making excuses for why he didn’t call three, four, six weeks after.  Then I’d notice that my girl friends who gave their numbers to men would get a call the next day and be halfway to engaged while I was still telling myself "he’s just really busy at work."  The sooner the guy calls, the more you know he’s into you and the better everything will turn out.   More / faster / sooner is always better, especially since all I knew was less, never, and nothing in the dating and love department.

Then there was this amazing day where I went to see "The Vagina Monologues" and it happened to be Halloween. So after walking out of the theater with my girl friend feeling like my body and I were okay and not so shameful for the first time in, oh, forever, feeling like I felt walking out of the original "Hairspray" when the fat girl got the cute guy, feeling like I felt after seeing "Thelma and Louise," like it was time to kick a** and look cute doing it, we went home and I put on my Halloween costume which happened to be, well, Xena, Warrior Princess. We walked into a Halloween party where I immediately met a guy who called me the next day and every day thereafter until the day we broke up.  Sooner / more / faster was what this guy was all about.  Finally!  No more waiting, making excuses, wasting time with tepid guys who couldn’t even decide if they wanted to call.  He was crazy about me and it was so nice to not wonder.

Unfortunately that didn’t really help with other problems like him being possibly an alcoholic and me not being crazy about him.  It was fun to finally get what I wanted, but not that fun to discover that what I wanted wasn’t enough.  It was fun that he called more than once a day, but not fun that some of those calls were him wondering aloud if he really wanted to be with me.  Sooner/ more / faster just got me into and out of a very temporary relationship, well, sooner.  Faster.

Fast forward to the Right Guy, who didn’t call me until he knew he was sure.  I waited a little bit, but it was worth it because he has been sure ever since.  Sooner and faster didn’t matter.  It just got to be the right time somehow.

So I’m willing to wait for the right time for my positive HPT, and not presume that sooner positives are stronger or better. 

As long as it’s before Tuesday, of course.

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