I am so frustrated.  Imagine that bloated, unhappy feeling that sums up as "when I get my period I won’t feel like strangling somebody."  I felt like that LAST Monday.  And I feel like that still.  For some reason, being on Lupron makes my period late.  I have noticed that I’m not the only one that happens to.  I know that an extra week (month?  six months?) on Lupron is good to shrink my endo, but I’m so over this. 

The lateness of my period may make one of you want to write something chirpy and cute about the possibility that I’m pregnant.  It’s not that simple.

The unfortunate secret of my situation is that I do not want to get pregnant on my own.  Oh, sure, God can do anything and miracles are wonderful and I’m all about getting one.  But I’ve been on 10 units of Lupron for two weeks now and that is very bad for a pregnancy.  Not to mention occasional NSAID pain relievers, also very bad.  Because I have light cramping every day, but nothing happens. 

Even if I weren’t on Lupron et cetera I cringe at the thought of getting hopeful and then having the very likely miscarriage.  Oh, me of little faith?  Perhaps.  I have faith in God and lots of things, just not my pregnancies.  What kind of faith would you have, in my circumstances?

I have been to my clinic, by the way; they did bloodwork on me on Friday so any pregnancy would have been noticed. 

I just wish we were moving forward, I wish my body were acting predictably, I wish to get this cycle underway, I wish not to be torturing myself with worries about being pregnant on Lupron.  I wish the blonde almost-three year old girl wreaking adorable havoc in our family gatherings was ours.  I wish the coming of the baby in the manger could bring me hope, instead of reminding me of emptiness and loss.

I wish.

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