It’s December and feels like it.  I am doing pretty well, I think.  I  have re-entered almost every place I hid from during our ectopic crisis.  Still can choke up when people say nice things, but that’s probably a good thing.  I’m physically feeling almost normal.  My belly button area is sore when I stand up.  My endo is back but not causing a lot of pain.

It’s not the happiest Christmas season I’ve ever had but not the worst either.  Looking back, I can see how my fear and worry at every step that we got to helped me not to invest.  It wasn’t fun, being incredibly fearful about beta numbers that turned out fine.  I tried to shake it off and think positive and I learned a little bit about how to do that.  Ironic…  I am sorely tempted to claim that "some part of me knew" it wasn’t going to turn out well.  But I don’t want to go down that road.  What part?  My pancreas?  Nah.

I am now sorely tempted to transfer three embryos at our frozen transfer that is (I hope I hope) coming up around Jan 9.  This is partly because I have been watching "Jon and Kate Plus 8" which is a reality TV show about a couple who had twins through "fertility treatments" and then when they went back for one more, they had sextuplets.  I’m thinking Clomid IUIs, aren’t you?  Who transfers SIX embryos?  So they have two six year olds and six two year olds.  It’s terrifying to watch.  It’s also not great for the viewing public.  They don’t discuss the babies’ health, or how much time those six spent in the NICU; they look like they’re mostly in good health but I think I see hearing aids on at least one of them and thick glasses on a few too.  The show makes it look hellishly hard but also … doable. 

I have been holding a hard, hard line on only transferring two no matter what but I’m feeling really worn down by the passage of time.  Can’t handle another negative.  We have big plans for next year that are already having to be altered because our kids aren’t here yet.  But… I am so scared of the developmental problems that are more possible for triplets and high order multiples that I’m amazed any come out OK.  I’m not inordinately afraid of developmental problems in my own babies –

well, maybe I am but that’s another conversation –

but I at least want to prevent the problems that are preventable.  I would feel guilty if I ended up with triplets, if they had to spend their first days or weeks in the NICU, possibly with lifelong issues, just because I "couldn’t handle" one more negative IVF attempt. 

And there’s the guilt I’d feel about not being able to give any of them as much one-on-one time as a singleton would get. 

We have nine frozen.  It will happen.

I think.

So, yes, I should stop watching Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Because if that show makes me think having multiples is doable, I’m nuts.  My husband practically cries when he sees that show, it looks so hard.  Screaming kids all the time.  And there is a brief shot of her, pregnant, in the opening; that almost makes me cry.  But here she is in the show, looking far more trim than I look right now and I’ve not been more than 5 weeks pregnant in my life to date.

Okay, 5 weeks and 5 days.

I think I’m not smart to even entertain the idea of transferring three.  But… there are just some things I wish I knew.  For example, FET success rates – as in bringing home a baby success, none of this "clinical pregnancy" garbage – are lower than fresh transfer rates.  But are they lower because sometimes the embryos don’t survive the thaw, or are they lower when comparing embryos that thawed out beautifully to fresh ones?  I must ask Dr. Google and if anybody out there has opinions about this I’m open.

I also don’t like what transferring three says about my faith.  Sometimes when I don’t have faith, I can act like I do.  As in, let’s just stick to the game plan, transfer two, it will all work out sooner or later.  Acting in un-faith is what got us into the mess with PGD last time – suddenly the odds of having a healthy baby, which were favorable for us, weren’t enough.  Suddenly my faith left me.  So we did PGD and (I think) that made everything worse (for us) and we ended up with, yes, nothing.  Except a hard lesson, and some hard words from "friends" and from myself.

Just spinning over here, flopping back and forth like a fish, and suddenly glad that decisions are a few weeks away.