Yesterday was a really good day.  That means I got out of the house, got things done, talked to friends, was productive, and that dent in the couch shaped like my butt started to fade.

The bitter jealousy I feel over some pregnancy announcements is also starting to fade.  I could be one of those objects of envy in about 6-7 weeks, so I need to rearrange my heart and just stop it.  I also have a feeling some more pregnancies are coming, and not just from internet friends.  I can handle it.

I canned the yoga idea.  My therapist, who first recommended the all-pregnant all-the-time yoga studio to me, talked to one of the instructors there (who is her massage therapist) and the instructor said that usually non-pregnant people who attend prenatal yoga classes don’t stay.  I was feeling less enthusiastic about the whole thing anyway – I must have been in some eye in the storm of my grief where I thought I could handle it.  Mmm, not so much.

I do need more "bodywork," be it weights, yoga, pilates, swimming, or whatever.  I am easing back into my workout schedule which is based on interval sprints on the treadmill.  I am glad that I was able to run full out on Monday and I was fine, so no more excuses.  I’m feeling worried every time I see a woman squat to talk to a child – I am strong but not flexible and I need to work on that. 

I dreamed I was pregnant and at the hospital to give birth.  It was scary.  It’s really easy to fixate on fear that I won’t ever become pregnant, but I know that there is also a healthy dose of fear mixed in that I will, in fact, become pregnant and have a baby or two to care for.  Being able to kneel, squat and haul heavy toddlers around should be the least of my fears but it’s something I can identify and work on.

So I’m committing to some Pilates at home with a video (that would be Pilates for Dummies, of course), some muscle work classes at the gym, and maybe a few sets on the weight machines.  I haaaate it all.  I would happily go and run five miles right now (just let me put a bra on, please) before doing any weights at all.  But strong quads and calves aren’t enough so blaaaaah.  I have to do the stuff I don’t want to do. 

I’m happy and amazed to report that I actually lost weight during this cycle… said cycle including some morning sickness, trauma, and surgery, so that helped.  But it’s kind of encouraging.  Usually I would gain weight no matter what.

I’m starting to understand my grief, this time, more clearly.  It comes and goes and when it doesn’t come, great!  I can have a good afternoon or a good day.  When it does come, great!  I hope and believe that it’s cumulative, so an hour of feeling sad and crying is another hour done and gone. 

Okay, not "great!" I’m trying to be positive.  Work with me.

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