Holidays are over, I’m trying to look ahead and shake off my long rest period.  I’m confronted by grief.  It’s not incapacitating, and we have a lot of hope.  But it’s there.  It feels like illness, like I’m going to need a little extra time in boarding, like I might fold up a litle earlier in the day.  Like getting over a sprained ankle or a pulled muscle.  It just takes time, and I hate to spend time on this when we feel so, so behind schedule already.  But it is what it is.  I could try to pretend that we’re just moving on and hopeful, but I can’t pull that off since I cry every day.  Not ALL day, at least.

My husband is wonderful.  He was greeted by at least two people at church yesterday who told him they were praying for / thinking of / sorry for me.  He finally said to the second one "Actually, I’m heartbroken too."  Nicely done.  I know that he’s not heartbroken in the way that I am, and I think it’s okay to say he’s heartbroken in a smaller way.  But that’s fine with me, because he has more strength to hold me up and he does it well.

It’s good timing that Tertia has asked some bloggers to write about grief.  I read some of them over the weekend and will read the rest today.  (you can start from Tertia’s and click through the rest if you have the time, or the strength).  I’m starting to understand what to say when people ask what they can do, although it’s hard… sometimes I might say what I need and then people still don’t / aren’t able to do what I asked. 

But I can understand that side, too.  I’m afraid to read about Cecily, who lost twins at 22 weeks, and about Billie, whose twins were born extremely premature.  I read Snickollet with my heart in my mouth because she lost her husband to cancer shortly after they married.  I know what it’s like to want to turn away from someone else’s grief – it’s so scary to think that what happened to her could happen to me.

But I also read them to remind myself that my grief and my loss aren’t as bad.  I guess that’s a mean thing to say to someone else, sort of a "there are children starving in India" kind of thing to say to someone else, but I do say it to myself and it helps me find gratitude.  I haven’t lost as much as these women, and I may yet, but I might not also.

I have a life outside of cycling and I have to get back into it.  I’m trying to find a balance between completely running away from my feelings and completely soaking in them.  I guess grief isn’t something you get good at so I’ll just see how it goes.

Advertisements