I’m feeling sort of better.  The hellish neck and shoulder pain was greatly alleviated by a massage yesterday.  I had asked my doctor for a muscle relaxer since the first night after surgery was so amazingly bad, but she fobbed me off with ibuprofen.  It helped some, the massage much more.  I don’t know if my doctor thinks I’m well-read enough to expect things like the weird shoulder pain, or if she just doesn’t bother to disclose every little bad thing that might happen.  This was kind of a big thing that is well-known after this surgery so I’m not happy about that.  I was dead set on having surgery, and we didn’t have a lot of time to prepare, so I’m inclined to just shrug it off under the general heading of Why Doctors Suck (Sometimes). 

I was a little worried about how detached I felt from this loss.  I needn’t have.  I am definitely sad enough now.  I am able to handle reading some pregnant blogs, some not.  I dreaded a return of Tuesday’s unbearable shock and grief but it’s not like that.  At times like Tuesday when bad news is so unreal, half of my pain comes from worry about how long it will last and how I’ll get through it.  Now I think we’ll get through it just fine, it’s just about once a day (or maybe seven times) I have to cling to my husband and sob.  We lost our baby.

But I am comforted, too.  Ectopic is a horrible twist of fate.  But I got what I wanted: a vibrant pregnancy, strong betas, and morning sickness.  I can dwell on the irony or I can accept this as progress.  It’s not like me to miss a chance for anger or to feel cheated, but for the moment I don’t.  I can’t honestly say I’m no closer to having an actual baby – I feel that we are, and some of the unbelonging I always felt has been lifted.  I can get pregnant and actually stay pregnant a little while.  I am not the problem.

In addition to my neck and shoulder and ribcage feeling better, I’m having resolution in other areas.  Four days of constipation is finally almost over, and I think I’m having cycle day 1.  I don’t know if my betas will come down any time soon, and I don’t know how it is that I can have a period when betas are still high, but I guess I’ll ask Dr. Google, and we’ll see about my betas come Tuesday.  If my cycles can resume and get normalized sooner rather than later I guess I am lucky.  That was one reason why I chose surgery; I hoped for closure.

It’s a blue day, for sure.  I’ve finished my books and I’ve seen all the movies worth seeing.  And some not – I wasted $3 and two hours on "Wild Hogs," a ridiculous, unbearably bad piece of movie garbage that insults men, women and gays with equal malice and idiocy.  Iiiick.   I’m going to try and actually do something today.  We had to cancel our cleaners on Thursday and don’t have any hope of finding anyone else to clean our filthy house in this, the week of Thanksgiving, so my husband is going to do most of it and I will do what I can. 

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