The worrymeter is at about 5 today.  On a 10 scale.  Not terrible, for me.  The weekend was busy but peaceful.  I did have a slightly miserable time with friends on Saturday, and now I think maybe I would have been better off not telling.  Between not being able to feel as joyful as I should, and not having violent and undeniable pregnancy symptoms at every moment of the day, I think I made myself a bit miserable by telling.  Of course this is my doing, since a lot of friends have heard the blow-by-blow of my IVF cycles, so they’re going to ask what the status is. 

On Sunday I tried a different approach with a different group of friends.  I said that everything looks really good, but I’m just not ready to say the "P" word because it’s still early and uncertain.  This felt better.  Part of my stress is the idea that I’m bringing friends who love me on a ride, and if I end up with bad news, I’m dragging them through it too.  This is appropriate, of course.  I want friends who are willing to bear my burdens.  But at the same time, when I say the "P" word, I feel almost as if I’m making a promise that I can’t possibly keep.  I can’t control the pregnancy and if it fails, it’s almost as if I’m letting them down.

Neurotic?  You bet.  But in the interest of getting me through this scary time, I think less telling is better for me.  Next time.  It may not matter (please God) if this pregnancy continues full steam ahead.

I may eat my words (only to barf them back up), but I am particularly uncomfortable with how not-sick I feel.  In the last few days I have had just the slightest frisson of nausea when my stomach gets empty, and sometimes I feel like nothing sounds good. I feel tired, but I’m not sleeping well at all, so that doesn’t seem real either. 

I’m just past five weeks, and this makes me silly, does it not?  Many women are just noticing their period is late at five weeks (three weeks past "ovulation", so my period is just past one week late).  Makes me weary to think it!   I feel like I’ve been watching, wondering and worrying for many weeks now but I haven’t been officially pregnant for even ONE.  IVF is incredible – anybody who says they "don’t want to miss a minute" of pregnancy should try it our way because, God help us, we don’t.

I am impatient for more definitive sickness and tiredness and pregnantness. All y’all who have had pregnancies no doubt think this is stupid, but you have to understand the long years of wanting to be pregnant, of listening hard to my body and hearing: nothing.  Month upon month, turning into years.  Silence and emptiness and nothing.  Whatever little flicker of hope of life there has been has been so fragile and short lived.  I also feel shame for the times I wished something out of nothing, only to find out I had fooled myself.  I just crave the real, rough vitality of actual LIFE.  The baby that won’t be stopped and takes over and you never forget it’s there.  I have suffered a lot, already, from my own impatience, from deciding what should be happening when and freaking out when it doesn’t. 

So I just have to deal with waiting, waiting for the ultrasound, and accept what is instead of wishing it were something else. 

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