That’s the sound of the lame duck IVF.  You know, when you know there is no pregnancy but you have to keep taking the drugs because if you stop, there would be, and all that “I have no control” over the situation would be replaced by “I killed my longed-for six-figure baby.” 

Niiiice, nice mood I’m in.

So my long-suffering husband is still shoving the 2-inch needle deep into my flabby black & blue behind twice a day.  All y’all chirpy hopeful people out there please stow it.  This cycle is over.  My beta is Tuesday and if it’s positive I will stand outside in my bra and panties and sing “The Star Spangled Banner.”  Are you happy?  I can sing really f***** loud.  It’s not going to happen.

I’m angry, as you can tell.  The only reliable pregnancy sign, mild cramping, a pregnancy sign for millions of normal women the world over, is just a mindf*** for me.  Why not? 

I still have pelvic pain and unidentified uterine activity.  I know there was cramping early in the cycle, and now I think it’s endometriosis.  Probably has been for a few days.  The pain is in the area of my ovaries as well as my much maligned uterus.

I was told by my nice new RE-elect that I should get the fibroid taken out, and while I’m not sure how much it will help, I’m ready.  I’m angry at my insides.  Cut out some of that nasty endo.  I’ve suffered long enough.  I’m hoping they will find some reason while they’re there.  I’m hoping I’ll wake up from surgery and right before I start barfing from the general anesthetic, they’ll be chuckling “No wonder you couldn’t get pregnant!  You wouldn’t believe what we found in there.”

Like when they cut open sharks on the Discovery Channel and stuff like truck tires and road signs fall out.  “Do Not Enter,” indeed.

We’ll see.  I’m afraid to have surgery because it might damage my uterus beyond the shape it’s in now, or leave scar tissue.  I have about three different doctors to go and visit and at least one saline ultrasound to do before I make the decision.  I’m dying to get it done as soon as possible so I can cycle again.  Our bodies always enforce a waiting period, though, so I’ll just have to be patient.

I’m so far from patience.  I’m in bad shape.  Today I was OK until halfway through church when I knew I needed to cry, a lot, and I didn’t need anything (except being alive) to set me off.  I saw a friend who asked about my cycle and looked so sad when I told her… I had to blow her off to get out of there before the really loud sobbing started. 

It’s amazing that there wasn’t a baby dedication or a pregnancy announcement or something today to make my pain complete.  Except I will be feeling this way for a while, so I”m sure it will happen.

I was so naive.  I thought my chances were good.  I never thought I’d be two fresh and one frozen cycles in with nothing to show.