Tor I’m incensed.  Today the "Thursday Styles" fashion section of the NYTimes comes out.  There is an article on the back page about a very fashionable subway stop, at 14th and Eighth, where evidently everyone is fabulous. 

This is Tor.  He works "in fashion."  He’s a "visual director" and his female companion created some of his tattoos.  As you see, he is bald, covered  with tattoos (which I think look nasty), he wears jeans that probably cost $800 even though they look dirty, and tennis shoes.

He is fashionable.

The article has pictures of other people who are fabulous / fashionable, and sniffs that it’s "[inappropriate] for women to wear white sneakers with skirts [when commuting.]"

But it’s "appropriate" to have one leg covered with tattoos and one not?  To me she will always look like she’s limping.

Mind you, "inappropriate" to me means "showing nipple" or "should be arrested."  To these people it covers fashion offenses, and therefore applies to many people.  Especially me.

I watched "Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style" a few weeks ago and was confronted by several of these same things which infuriate me about fashion, and a few of them are: 1) You MUST wear heels.  Fashion is not about how you look, it is a contest of endurance and pain tolerance, to be won by the young, those whose toes and feet were already pointy before they put the pointy shoes on, and/or those born with preternaturally numb feet.  Shoe-switchers, those who choose to travel in walkable shoes and then discreetly switch when they arrive at their destination, must be OUTED and SHAMED. 

1a)  If you are a man, you must be comfortable at all times, and make sure that whatever is comfortable on you is outlawed on women, so that they are never comfortable.  Comfort negates fashion, but only for women.

2) Makeup people love to throw around the words "sheer," "natural," "light," and "clear" but what they really mean is YOU ARE UGLY WITHOUT MAKEUP.  Go put some on right now.  You are an embarrassment, yes you, sitting there reading blogs without at least a little spritz of toner underneath your sheer morning foundation which has been finished with a sprinkling of pressed powder.  And bronzer.  And some liner on your lips, filled with a nice frosty glossy matte but shiny $52 lipstick.  Coated with lip finisher. Just to tide you over until you REALLY put your makeup on.

3) Fashion is wonderful!  You can find something that suits any body type.  Really!  Except none of it will look good, at all, ever, until you lose enough weight to stop your periods.

4) Just be yourself.  Find your own style.  It does need to look like someone in a magazine advertisement or on TV; even if it’s ridiculous, unflattering, laughably expensive, poorly made and ugly, if it’s from the right magazine, TV show or subway stop, it’s chic.  Make it your own!  Except get ready for it to change in about 7 minutes.  Be free!  Be you!  Well, not …you.

5) Your purse should cost more than your entire outfit.

6) Your hair is great!  Really.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  Except, of course that you aren’t BLONDE ENOUGH.  We’d just like to .. brighten it a little, here, and maybe, bring out some of your natural color here, which of course needs to be MORE BLONDE MORE MORE MORE.  Just to bring out your natural, you know, BLONDENESS.

And finally: 7) Get some tattoos.

Did I leave anything out?

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