In this month’s "O" magazine, which I love, a woman writes:

I am 33 years old and, after two grueling years of tests and procedures, have decided to start undergoing fertility treatments.  Meanwhile, many of my friends have gotten pregnant and had children.

She goes on to say that socializing is difficult, and that she "can’t plaster on a fake smile through one more baby shower or listen to these women complain about how hard motherhood is."

My first thought was, hey!  Are you telling your girls that you’re Having Some Trouble, or are you just keeping quiet and letting your girl friends torture you?  Sounds like the latter, and why do we do that again?

Anyway, Dr. Phil sez that she should not be "refusing to be happy for them" because "your resentment gets you no closer to your goal."  OK, I agree with that.  What, resentment?  Me?  Inconceivable.  hahah ahah ahhah ha ha

But then he says she should

choose to be at peace with the fact that some of your peers have already reached this milestone. Distancing yourself from friends is a bad idea: these people are dear to you, and their support will be even more important when your turn comes.

Huh?  When her turn comes?  How about HELLO, NOW, with the miscarriages and the betas and the drug craziness?  I did a quick search of Dr. Phil’s website and found that infertility does not seem to be his forte.  Well, there was one couple; she was pressuring him to have babymaking sex (that’s her husband, not Dr. Phil, of course) too much and Dr. Phil helped her to ….WAIT FOR IT

RELAX

and they’re now ….WAIT FOR IT

pregnant and OH, merciful God: please deliver me from other people’s successful "relaxation."

Anyway, we still love Dr. Phil, but I did have to send off a quick email to help set him straight.  Maybe Dr. Phil assumed that she was already telling her girls her status and her pain, but that’s a big assumption, since most infertiles have to be waterboarded to come out with the truth (they just grit their teeth and then write about the insensitive comments later on their blogs.) 

Also, would you suggest that a recent widow is "refus[ing] to be happy" for a newlywed couple, or that she should "choose to be at peace" with her status?  That seems a bit rough.  But at some of the bad points of infertility, and gosh there are so many to choose from, seems to me we should be seen as grieving rather than "refusing" some higher level of awareness. 

I suggested that Dr. Phil should be encouraging this woman to talk to her friends, one-on-one, Lifetime-movie style, and seek their support and consideration now, whether that means skipping a shower (gasp) or asking them to think juuuust a bit before they speak, when around her.  Seems to me that the "distancing yourself from your friends" that Dr. Phil cautions against has already happened if this woman can’t tell her sad and very inconvenient truth when with them.  What do you think?

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