After losing 2-3 lbs right away on the Big Diet, I am back at my usual spot: stuck.  I gained those 3 back, and have now lost 2 of them.  Again.  Basically, my first week loss was in the water / margin-of-error realm, and while my clothes feel just a bit looser, it is basically Not Happening.  Usually I fixate on whatever imperfections there are in my dieting, and blame myself.  But lately I have been very careful and I expected that I would lose weight quickly.  But I am not losing at all.

My dieting approach is Boxer the cart horse from George Orwell’s "Animal Farm:" "I will work harder."  What else can I do? 

I’m starting to realize that there might be something wrong here.  Not dread-disease wrong, just more like "oh come ON" wrong.  I’ve admitted to being a Weight Watchers failure.  I’m now a 1300 calories + 60 minutes workout a day failure, because my weight is barely budging.  I still love the Big Diet because it lifts the psychic burden, a bit.

The psychic burden comes from thinking I’m dieting, seeing no results, and then feeling guilty and shameful that I must be doing something wrong.  I certainly don’t eat perfectly every day – but then I talk to other people and realize hardly anybody else is doing their diet perfectly either.  Yet they lose weight.  This is why I cried through much of my time at Weight Watchers: there was always somebody saying "Oh boy I’m so happy I lost three pounds even though I ate that cheesecake," and "I guess I should be working out, but I’m still losing weight, so…" and there I sit with my hour+ workouts and no cheesecake, awash in guilt.  And anger.  It’s not like I don’t have stuff to be angry about already.

A lot of people I know seem to have a set point where their weight stabilizes.  It’s not always as thin as they would like to be, but it usually seems to be at a medically defensible place, a reasonably healthy place.  Not me.  I’m stuck, unless I gain, and then I’ll be stuck at that higher weight.

Obviously my hormones have been manipulated from all the cycling, but since I’m finally not depressed, and since my periods are so damn regular, I wouldn’t have picked me for a hormone problem.  I have terrible insomnia, at least when I don’t take something to sleep, so I wouldn’t pick me for a thyroid problem.  I guess I thought that in between cycles my hormones levels are normal.  But COME ON.  I’m tired of feeling guilty for my fat.  I am really careful and I exercise a lot, and no diet works.   I do fall off the wagon, everybody does; and it’s harder to resist temptation when futility sets in.  But here are some of my worst dietary offenses of late: two pieces of cake, at a wedding over the weekend.  I went on a two hour bike ride to try & make up for that.  Two tablespoons of peanut butter, maybe a week ago.  A glass of wine on the 4th of July.  An extra packet of "weight control" no-sugar oatmeal.  Gasp.  Really.  I’m SUCH a pig.  The rest of what I eat is perfectly portioned & premeasured.  A serving of spinach with breakfast, a salad with lunch, a salad with dinner.  I make smoothies out of carrots or spinach for crying out loud.  I am hard core.  I know you hardly EVER read this on an infertility blog, but it’s not faaaaaair.

It’s not the worst situation to be in.  I’m getting stronger and stronger because of all the exercising.  My diet is extremely healthy and balanced.  I’m sure my blood pressure is fabulous.  But the shame and guilt that I carry around because of this fat is very deep, and I’m feeling very desperate.  I’m starting to eye the ads for "hoodia" and other back-of-the-magazine products with "thin" or "trim" in the name.  No, I won’t Go There.  But COME ON.

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