It’s nice to stop taking all the drugs.  I think my pseudo-UTI was some kind of irritation from the blue pills coming in the back door.  There never was an infection but the irritation was real.  It’s nice for my body temperature to come back to earth just as summer weather hits. 

There are seasons in life that I know in my head I should take advantage of, but I don’t do that very well.  This is one.  I should enjoy childless time, because once babies come they are a part of my life forever.  I should enjoy selfishness, spontaneity, sleep and leisure because kids take it all away.  But it’s not that easy.  I rarely enjoy times of unemployment even though it’s a kind of vacation – but it’s a vacation from paychecks and security and purpose, as well as from work.  I should have enjoyed my single time more, the luxury of working through "my stuff," or at least taking a bite out of it, on my own; having my own house the way I liked it, having unlimited solitude and autonomy.  But I was afraid it would last forever, and too much of anything loses its value.

I am happy to be out of that pseudo-pregnant careful zone.  I can overload on caffeine or drink a glass of wine.  I can exercise and get my heart rate as high as I want.  I can diet, and really make some headway.  I always wish I had a few more vices just so I could enjoy them more during these times, but I don’t.  It is nice to be in the ordinary time of life, no drugs, no pressure, and knowing that whatever weird moods come are All Me. 

But as usual, the autonomy and freedom of unpregnancy and childlessness are no fun unless I try hard to think of them as a season, a last summer before the hard work starts.  I can’t enjoy this time unless I try to squeeze a little more faith out of the stone that is (sometimes) my heart, and trust that our turn will come. 

Advertisements