The unnecessary and unsurprising negative beta came in today.  I was shopping.  With some trepidation I think I can say I am doing okay.  With all my bleating about other people fast-forwarding me through the nastier emotions, I have to say: I do it to myself.  Yesterday I got up expecting to feel fine and it took me most of the day to figure out and accept that I was anything but.

Today is better.  I walked in to the RE’s for my blood test followed by a woman with two little girls, about 4 and 2.  While, yes, I did think "well, geez, how many kids do you NEED?" and feel resentful that she had to parade them into the fertility clinic with her, by the time I left I was able to "re-frame."  Or whatever.  She might have a bunch of embryos in the freezer and what else are you gonna do with them?  I thought.  And most importantly, that might be me someday. 

Similarly, as I got and didn’t pick up the "after 1:00" call from my RE’s office with beta result, I thought "one of these days, that call is going to go very differently." 

There was this guy, a friend, I knew him for a few years, but never really thought about him romantically, and then there came a time when it seemed like I bumped into him everywhere I went.  I always thought he liked me but I couldn’t be bothered.  I started getting to know him, and then suddenly over one weekend I decided maybe I was attracted to him after all.  We then entered into a scary time of him sort of asking me out to lunch or dinner when we would bump into each other, grabbing a bite after this or that, and this "hanging out" with a man I wanted to be more than friends with was something I had done before.  And swore I would never do again. 

One day after a few weeks of this, he called me up and said he thought we should talk "about all the time we’ve been spending together and what that means to us."  Shit, I thought.  How could I have gotten this wrong AGAIN?  Because it seemed like he liked me.  But every time a guy wanted to talk about "our friendship" it always, always ended up being about how he just wanted to be friends and didn’t want to "mislead" me.  Which of course most of the guys had been, thoroughly misleading, WHERE is my decoder ring, and that’s a different story altogether.  Those talks just always went the same way.

So I was a nervous wreck and finally he came over to my house and we started to have this serious talk and I just kept thinking Shit! How could I have gotten this wrong, how will I get through this without showing how hurt I am? until I realized he was saying "so it seems like we’ve been sort of dating these past few weeks, and that’s what I want us to be doing." 


Somehow, after all the times I had had That Conversation, after all the times a man had gone out of his way to make sure I knew that he did NOT want to date me, and that he particularly wanted to assure me that he was NOT attracted to me, because boy they always have to make sure that part gets said loud and clear… this one was different.

So I married him.  And now I’m thinking, wow, it really only took one.  One unusual conversation.  One good man.  One ring to rule them all.  And yes, maybe I have had and will have more After 1:00 Negative Beta calls, but eventually maybe the conversation will go the other way.