In lieu of writing anything new I traded some long comments after my last post.  It’s all about women’s friendships and some things that have gone wrong.  I’ve struggled with the idea that someone else’s pregnancy somehow makes mine more elusive, or the lack of mine more unbearable.  Some of that comes from ungratefuls and smugs and all those characters we talk about all the time.  Some of it just comes from the blackness of my heart.  It always surprises me to hear that the girls who did get pregnant or were spared infertility drama are still hurt by all the things we infertiles said.  Because of course I’ve fallen prey to the silly notion that if someone has what I can’t quite get my hands on, how could they have any other problems?  I’m getting tired of being a one-issue girl, and getting tired of yourself is always a good step on the way to some kind of healing.

The whole thing is a mess, because women friendships don’t seem to stabilize.  Many of the individual ones do, but in every girl’s life, the girlfriend drama just goes on as each decade goes by.  I feel strongly that as women we have to try hard to talk well, fight well, and break up well.  Many of us break up with each other in ways we would never break up with a man.  Ever had a girl friend just stop calling you cold, stop returning your calls, just stop talking to you and act like you were dead?  How crazy-making is that?  Or have you ever had a girl friend who clearly, obviously has started to hate your guts for no reason that you can tell, but when asked about it is all easy & breezy, i.e., "mad?  I’m not mad." 

It’s like hello, am I back in eighth grade?  And it’s bad.  It was tough for me to accept because I always assumed men were the ones you had to look out for and female friendships would be safe and predictable.

Not so much.

I’m not suffering a lot of girl friend drama at the moment.  Partly because I’m starting to chill out about the judgments surrounding my own infertility choices, and I care less and less about what anybody else thinks.  I’m also generally less social than I used to be, by choice, because the big wide unfiltered world was too much.  But I’m getting the hang of hanging with the people I feel I can trust, and occasionally exposing myself to everyone else.  Trying to goad myself into just getting out more and Getting Over It, whatever that day’s "It" is.

Trying.

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