Not much to say today.  I have six workdays left to finish my master’s thesis which I think is very good, but possibly "too short" by some arbitrary standard.  It bristles with footnotes and proves its points well, but if my committee is looking for more bulk I may have to feed the paper some kind of literary Metamucil.  Right now I’m just trying to write well and cram in every conceivable point and reference I can think of.   Once this paper is turned in I’ve got two weeks until graduation.  I have been in school since January ’02, and the idea of being done with school forever is more than I can fathom.

With regard to my next cycle and my reasons to be hopeful there are just tumbleweeds; I’m more than four weeks away from that transfer date.  Four weeks isn’t a long time but it seems like it.  It will help a lot with Mother’s Day, which is a tough one for me; I’ll be very close to transfer day at that point.   At the same time I know I have to find a survivable rhythm for cycling, since mine may go on for a while.  I’m trying desperately to find fertility in the rest of my life, to find things I can birth, feed and grow, be they creative things or relationships or just projects, so I am not all-cycling, all the time.  Once again my marathon training comes to mind; I have to find a mile-22 pace or I’ll go insane and lose even more friends. (I don’t know about yours, but my mile-22 pace was a comic shamble with very little forward motion, a continuous about-to-fall-down mode of transport that somehow got me to 26, when I saw the finish line, saw that I had an audience, stood up and RAN.  All hail adrenaline.)

I’m starting to feel more hopeful about this FET, which is probably good, even if not realistic.  I have welcomed the rebound of my natural cycle, even though that came with cramps and pain and now features endometriosis and pain.  It hurts but it’s all me.  Similarly, hoping is all me too, and while I can understand the Lupron-like suppressing power of many negatives and miscarriages to kill hope, I’m glad I’m not there yet.

I have no other new points to make.  I’m licking my considerable wounds from the last cycle, the regrets and guilt are still very present.  My long and confessional post on that subject has attracted some judgmental comments, both off- and online, and a resounding silence from both the fence-sitters and the supportive among my friends.  I think I may be a pariah.  This will pass.  I realize in a deeper way that forgiveness is between me and God – once I feel it beneath my feet, as I should by now, all the judgment in the world should not hurt me.  I think I understand that His grace is sufficient for me in ways I didn’t understand before.  His grace is – should be – MUCH more than sufficient and yet I scuffle for crumbs from friends who don’t have the capacity to give grace. 

I must learn from this.   I take comfort in the way Julie is getting flamed and barbecued over at A Little Pregnant for honestly examining her discomfort over adoption.  It’s not just me.  If you just mention something uncomfortable – an inflammatory word or concept – it (as Julie says) "clouds the issue," even if your context or your view does not embrace or endorse the uncomfortable thing. 

I am also trying to leave some space in my heart for the differences between me and other people.  I can’t know their choices, and they can’t know mine.  Problems come when we think we can.  If I assume that someone else’s roadmap is the same as mine I’ll only judge the "wrong" turns they took, and even though the choices look the same, I am trying to leave some space for the idea that they are not.

It is Friday, an optimistic day, and the sun is shining.  The temperature is moving past 40.  I am seeing more of what passes for spring here each year, in the way that your eyes get used to the dark and you start being able to notice things.  It’s still cold but you can tell by the light and the tentative buds on the trees and the slight smell of grass and earth that we’re on the way to something better.

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4 Responses to “Waiting”

  1. DL Says:

    Enjoy the sunshine in “what passes for Spring” in these parts. You’ve lived here long enough to know, it could change in an instant, for the better or the worse! I love you!

  2. DG Says:

    Hi, sorry I didn’t comment on your previous post. As a committed atheist, I find I just accept the faith of others and would never criticise someone for their thoughts or feelings.

    I’m glad you’re hanging in there.

    What date do you have for your transfer? xx

  3. Merideth Says:

    I guess I’ve been one of the fence-sitters. It’s not because I feel in any way judgmental about your struggle with adoption it is just that I am struggling with these issues myself and can’t figure out how I feel. I’m one way one day, and completely turned around the next.
    The other part is that I don’t know how to respond to your faith and inclusions of God and Christianity. I was raised quite religiously myself but have since moved into a different realm where I am quite comfortable with a belief system that does not include one god or even a set-in-stone belief in god.
    I’m definitely reading you though and still hoping (and praying in my own way) that success and life’s comforts will come to you — and to us all. Take care of yourself and CONGRATULATIONS on graduation.
    Merideth

  4. mrsmetaphor Says:

    I didn’t comment on the “stacked” post only because I’ve been busy and because I kind of don’t “get” it. Maybe it’s because every time I read the word “stacked” I just think of a large busom which defies gravity.

    I do appreciate your honesty in the post before that. I hope you will continue to live and write with the transparency that is a hallmark of this blog.

    I’m sorry for the judgemental comments you have received. Mine was in no way meant in that way, the polar opposite in fact.

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Not much to say today.  I have six workdays left to finish my master’s thesis which I think is very good, but possibly "too short" by some arbitrary standard.  It bristles with footnotes and proves its points well, but if my committee is looking for more bulk I may have to feed the paper some kind of literary Metamucil.  Right now I’m just trying to write well and cram in every conceivable point and reference I can think of.   Once this paper is turned in I’ve got two weeks until graduation.  I have been in school since January ’02, and the idea of being done with school forever is more than I can fathom.

With regard to my next cycle and my reasons to be hopeful there are just tumbleweeds; I’m more than four weeks away from that transfer date.  Four weeks isn’t a long time but it seems like it.  It will help a lot with Mother’s Day, which is a tough one for me; I’ll be very close to transfer day at that point.   At the same time I know I have to find a survivable rhythm for cycling, since mine may go on for a while.  I’m trying desperately to find fertility in the rest of my life, to find things I can birth, feed and grow, be they creative things or relationships or just projects, so I am not all-cycling, all the time.  Once again my marathon training comes to mind; I have to find a mile-22 pace or I’ll go insane and lose even more friends. (I don’t know about yours, but my mile-22 pace was a comic shamble with very little forward motion, a continuous about-to-fall-down mode of transport that somehow got me to 26, when I saw the finish line, saw that I had an audience, stood up and RAN.  All hail adrenaline.)

I’m starting to feel more hopeful about this FET, which is probably good, even if not realistic.  I have welcomed the rebound of my natural cycle, even though that came with cramps and pain and now features endometriosis and pain.  It hurts but it’s all me.  Similarly, hoping is all me too, and while I can understand the Lupron-like suppressing power of many negatives and miscarriages to kill hope, I’m glad I’m not there yet.

I have no other new points to make.  I’m licking my considerable wounds from the last cycle, the regrets and guilt are still very present.  My long and confessional post on that subject has attracted some judgmental comments, both off- and online, and a resounding silence from both the fence-sitters and the supportive among my friends.  I think I may be a pariah.  This will pass.  I realize in a deeper way that forgiveness is between me and God – once I feel it beneath my feet, as I should by now, all the judgment in the world should not hurt me.  I think I understand that His grace is sufficient for me in ways I didn’t understand before.  His grace is – should be – MUCH more than sufficient and yet I scuffle for crumbs from friends who don’t have the capacity to give grace. 

I must learn from this.   I take comfort in the way Julie is getting flamed and barbecued over at A Little Pregnant for honestly examining her discomfort over adoption.  It’s not just me.  If you just mention something uncomfortable – an inflammatory word or concept – it (as Julie says) "clouds the issue," even if your context or your view does not embrace or endorse the uncomfortable thing. 

I am also trying to leave some space in my heart for the differences between me and other people.  I can’t know their choices, and they can’t know mine.  Problems come when we think we can.  If I assume that someone else’s roadmap is the same as mine I’ll only judge the "wrong" turns they took, and even though the choices look the same, I am trying to leave some space for the idea that they are not.

It is Friday, an optimistic day, and the sun is shining.  The temperature is moving past 40.  I am seeing more of what passes for spring here each year, in the way that your eyes get used to the dark and you start being able to notice things.  It’s still cold but you can tell by the light and the tentative buds on the trees and the slight smell of grass and earth that we’re on the way to something better.

One Response to “Waiting”

  1. Merideth Says:

    I guess I’ve been one of the fence-sitters. It’s not because I feel in any way judgmental about your struggle with adoption it is just that I am struggling with these issues myself and can’t figure out how I feel. I’m one way one day, and completely turned around the next.
    The other part is that I don’t know how to respond to your faith and inclusions of God and Christianity. I was raised quite religiously myself but have since moved into a different realm where I am quite comfortable with a belief system that does not include one god or even a set-in-stone belief in god.
    I’m definitely reading you though and still hoping (and praying in my own way) that success and life’s comforts will come to you — and to us all. Take care of yourself and CONGRATULATIONS on graduation.
    Merideth

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