This weekend is so hideous.  I’m sitting in a nasty-looking recliner shoved into the corner of a seedy Super 8 motel room in the town where my mother-in-law lives.  I went to get a cup of tea at the continental breakfast – and "continental breakfast" is something I am sure people from the Continent would pee their pants laughing at because it’s American food all over again: so much food, so little to eat – and they have only decaf tea.  Which means that the coffee drinker who put that together thinks that tea drinkers are just decaf wusses.  All I want is a cup of green tea, a slightly caffeinated beverage; instead I have a cup of decaf tea into which I have squirted a little bit of coffee.  Disgusting.  I usually bring my own tea but yesterday was so difficult I’m lucky I packed clothes. 

I was in the enviable position of making sure I packed all my progesterone, syringes, pills, etc. AND tampons and Tylenol.  Tylenol!  How fabulous that if I get my period with its accompanying cramps I must take Tylenol in case I’m PREGNANT.  It’s wretched but I’m in this chair, drinking a cup of  – ah, something, and writing.  So, not so bad. 

We’re at this depressing motel because it’s better than sleeping on a fold-out couch in the living room, and it has been.  Even considering that last night the rooms across and down the hall were occupied by – wait for it – a high school basketball team. 

The thing about situations like this that I hate, the basketball team part not the larger tragedy – is that I’m generally all the way into pajamas and bed before I realize that I’m going to have to go out in the hall and ask strangers to be quiet.  This means I have to get all the way up and dressed including a bra (because while you may be effective in a confrontation with strangers without one, I am not; I must don it like battle armor or I can’t take myself seriously) and whatever comfortable sleepy feeling I was just getting is gone.

The family time has been stressful and will not get better, but it will end today.  One plus is that the relationships aren’t good, so the fact that I was nearly catatonic with depression most of yesterday went unnoticed.   We’re in a restaurant and I have thoughts like "she’s wearing shoes that match her skirt.  I could never do that.  I will never have the energy to find and wear matching clothes again."   Today’s family time features two couples, both in their thirties, who are by some measure infertile or at least "having trouble."  This will help a lot.  One lost twins towards the end of the second trimester – "lost" being an easy way to describe what ended up being a few days in the hospital for poor J., and they lost those twins because of some kind of genetic problem that sounds serious.  I think IVF with PGD would be their only hope of avoiding it and that may be out of their reach.  They win the Sympathy Derby easily.  The other couple has been "trying" for more than a year, so while they are a candidate for a JPA (Joyful Pregnancy Accouncement) they may also be suffering.

I think I may feel a bit differently on receiving JPAs in the future.  Maybe less anger and hate, and just more sadness.  I have found that, for me, anger is sometimes the cork that I use to keep the sadness bottled up.  The anger burns off quickly if I’m willing to confront the yawning despair that’s underneath.  It all sucks but getting to sad sooner is a kind of cutting to the chase that might be more truthful for me.  And it’s different; as you know, our infertility motto is "Different is good."

So even though today will be wretched, it’s comforting to know that so much pain will be in da house.  Althought it sickens me to think that it will probably go completely un-talked about. 

But on the bright side: it’s sunny and warm.  While I thought I wouldn’t sleep worth a damn, I actually got a few stretches of a few hours and feel much less of a hag than yesterday.  And the most surprising thing is that I feel a bit more positive.  I need to step back sometimes and see the big, good life God has given me; there is a big pile of pain in the middle of it at the moment, but the camera has to pull back still farther to include all the good stuff that I also have.

Also, while the Family Thing will feature stress, elephants in the room, chain smoking, people who can’t see, people who can’t hear and people who won’t listen; there will also be cake.

Advertisements