What I didn’t tell you was that I took a home pregnancy test on Monday (my birthday).

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I’m glad I have a picture of it. 

I also took another that afternoon, a pink line test, to see how faint the line was.  I got a negative.  I took another yesterday morning (Thursday) because I was feeling freaky.  It was positive. 

So I have been confident all week.  Had been.  Plus I was feeling very PG yesterday, had to to drink two cups of ginger tea to get past some serious nausea.  So this beta of 10 is mind-blowing after all that.  And kills hope.

Because it takes a beta of at least 25 to pass the home pregnancy test I passed twice.  For me to have had whatever beta I had when I passed those HPTs, and now for it to be just 10, means that it must be falling.  And having a positive HPT on Monday, coupled with how early the symptoms came on (last Thursday) seems to kill the “late implanter” thread of hope, slender as it was.  Yes, some people’s betas double nicely after 10; but I don’t think mine is a 10 on the way up – I think it is a 10 because it is on the way down.

So, should I have taken those HPTs?  The conventional wisdom in IVF-land is that we shouldn’t.  Maybe it’s not wise to POAS because we will believe the positive even when it might not last.

And mine didn’t. 

So do I regret it?  Who knows.  I’m shattered and grieving.  But I think my answer is no, I don’t regret it.  There is this minor character in the Bible, Hannah, who was infertile and endured shame and disgrace because of it.  Because she’s in the Bible, she eventually did become pregnant (unlike the rest of us) and she has this speech, it’s a prayer of triumph:  “My heart exults in the Lord; my horn is exalted in the Lord.”  Well the “horn” thing is symbolic – if your horn is lifted up (think “horn of plenty”, not anything dirty) that means you’ve been delivered from disgrace to a position of honor and strength.

I know, we’re not supposed to be disgraced by infertility.  We’re not supposed to be ashamed of it.  But tell me, my dear infertile friends, do you not feel the slightest bit degraded by it?  Less-than, somehow?  Not in a way that’s our fault – but just, in a way.  I sure do.  And I gotta tell you that “Pregnant” in the window of the Clearblue Digital was like a crown that I got to wear for four whole days.  And I was pregnant as hell, too, there was so much crazy stuff going on in my body I didn’t even tell you half of it.   I felt redeemed, like my body was finally going to be allowed to do one of the most amazing things it was made to do, and whatever my sicknesses and my wear & tear and my failures have done, my horn was lifted up.  I felt restored.

Maybe my “mistake” was believing it, but how could I not?  How could I get myself into that jaded place where I couldn’t get excited about something I’ve always longed for, because it might not last?

I guess this is how.

Anyway, maybe I’m wrong and this pregnancy will somehow resurrect itself.  I doubt it.  In which case we’re on the to FET, I hope in May.  And I will HPT again.  If I get a positive I might not tell as many people about it, and I might not expect it to last; but even a few days of being pregnant is better than none, and if a few is all I get I want to know about them.

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