I think I have 2 readers.  Maybe 3.  So this was the time to change the name of this blog which has always been lame.  The name, not the blog.  (How a comma changes things.)  I decided I might change the name during the cancer scare, which is almost over, more about that in a minute, because breast cancer in the middle of infertility is indeed another shoe of large and unjust magnitude.   But for anyone who wonders what the shoe reference is all about, here is a neat description of it.  My experience with the shoe is that the waiting is worse than the shoe.  Also, in a life of any length or interest, there is at least a spider if not a centipede living above; there are and will be many shoes, and we might just as well go to sleep and let the shoes fall where they may.  Easier said than done, of course.

So the cancer scare, and I’m calling it that just a bit prematurely, got worse when I did some internet research.  I know, I know, that’s rarely a good idea.  But I stand by it, because I learned some things I needed to know about breast cancer.  Like: lots of women do not die from it.  This may sound basic, but it isn’t.  There seems to be this window of danger, through which many of my friends are passing, or have passed, and which took a few of us.  Breast cancer, when it comes in one’s thirties, seems to take more lives than when it comes later.  To me it looks like this is because girls under 40 don’t often get mammograms, and when the cancer comes it doesn’t get caught in time.  This is why some of the girls I know with cancer didn’t make it, and why most of my friends are scared to death of breast cancer.  We don’t know very many older girls, those tough, grown-up lumpectomy girls with treated cancer who are living the happy ending, or at least the happy middle. 

The internet research showed me good news about cancer – the one that mine could be is very treatable, because we would have caught in on the mammo – and bad news about my particular "finding", which is not a lump but an "area" with jagged edges.  That was scary, and I found that "areas" like mine are more often malignant (75%-85% of the time) than lumps, which are 80% benign.  All this despite the fact that God or Comcast took my internet away for several days, so I couldn’t freak myself out; but I persisted, went to coffee shops, and got this good news / bad news picture of the cancer possibilities, and came to terms.  Sucks to have cancer, good to have treatable cancer, sucks to put the IVF off, good to be able to get back to it eventually.  Sucks for it to be me, but then who would I pick instead?  My single-over-40 friends, with bad insurance?  My friends with kids and huge responsibilities?  Sucks that it has to be anybody, but right now I guess it does.  Why me?  Well, why not me? 

Except maybe it’s not me.  Finally the day of my biopsy came, and the radiologist told me she didn’t even see the jaggedy edges in the "area" that had looked so worrisome, and I’m almost confident that Monday’s phone call will be good news.  So the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet, and yes: there will be many shoes, but maybe not this one, right now.

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