So we’re back from a long trip and I should be opening the FedEx box on my dining room table to look at the yummy fertility meds within.  I expect my doctor’s office to generate a calendar for our IVF any day now, which might require me to start the drugs within a few weeks.  But I’m in an uproar, since I stupidly scheduled my mammogram for December 20th.   I came home yesterday to a letter accompanied by a scary-looking medical report which says that I need to return to get more pictures of an "area of density" in my right breast.  After a little bit of internet research I think this means that they want to figure out of this is something bad, something sort of bad, something not bad, or nothing at all.   Of course, the soonest appointment I can get is February 1st which sucks.  I have a call in to my doctor so I can ask her that Stupid Patient Question: "Should I be worried about this?"  and what doctor is going to say "Hey, yeah!  You need to start FREAKING OUT."   But – like every other American woman in her 40’s – I have seen friends get breast cancer, bravely fight, and die anyway. 

I guess I was not stupid to schedule my mammogram for Dec. 20th, I could have been even stupider and blown it off completely.  But oh, I wish I had done it sooner, so I could have gotten through all this before now.  I am pretty sure that this will turn out to be nothing – this is only a vague shadow on the mammogram, and the scary report wants me to return to see if this is even a "real finding" and assures me that "no new dominant mass or suspicious clustered microcalcifications are identified."  But still… unless somebody cancels and I call at the right time to pick up a sooner appointment, I am going to have to delay my IVF yet again.   

This incident is helpful since my spiritual connection is not so good right now.  I am having trouble thinking of God as a force for safety and good… I have watched Him allow good women to die from cancer.  Who knows how many He has healed?  I don’t.  It’s way too easy to dwell on the bad news.  And of course, I’m not on that higher plane that accepts death as an upgrade, a chance to skip all this earthly mess and be in glorious intimacy with Him forever.  I am so not there.  It’s hard to be ethereal and spiritual when I’m struggling with the basics.  Fertility is about earth energy, that’s what all the tai chi kung yin yang yoga people say, and they’re right.  It’s blood, and sex, and pain, and labor and all that is primitive and female and it makes us feel powerful when it goes well.  I feel like I just got here, and that there is still so much of my life that hasn’t started.  I guess everybody feels like this.  I am scared of dying and scared of chemo and who isn’t?  But I also don’t want the shame of one more of my female parts failing, or in this case threatening my life. 

I need to remember something, or to learn it for the first time, that God is good all the time.  Even if this goes very badly. 

Advertisements