Infertility is annoying because “what comes after” can sometimes be up to us.  Meaning that if you have or acquire a child, then some portion of your literal infertility ends.  But that is just the physical infertility.  The heart infertility, of course, goes on forever. 

I am not in “what comes after”, since we don’t have a baby yet and living “child free” sounds just as ridiculous to me as it ever did.  But I have experienced a good thing, a necessary transition in my own – here I must think hard for a word that isn’t “journey,” God help me – uh, infertility thing; and that’s the “pop!”   

“Pop,” for me, is when I couldn’t stand the grief and the fear anymore.  I think “pop” is the sound we hear when expectations finally and completely blow up, and we are free to accept what is instead of what should be.  Like throwing up, “pop” is preceded by denial and followed by tremendous relief. 

The “pop” for me was about God.  I figured since God allowed sexual abuse and trauma and its aftermath into my early life, He would reward me with a statistically unlikely 40-and-over natural pregnancy.  It was not the least He could do, but it seemed fair.  He apparently doesn’t agree.  I struggled with anger at Him, Unhelpful Christian Comments, and some ineffective attempts to get Him to change His mind.  He didn’t.  My expectations, my anger, my disappointment, my shame, my isolation, my crippling jealousy of fertile people, it all got so huge it had to just – pop.  Of course it wasn’t easy or that sudden, but looking back, it did kind of just bloat itself right out of existence. 

The clear sign that I’ve popped is that I’m happy and delighted to be planning our next cycle in January (this will be IVF @2), feel grateful that God allows this for us, and no longer hate 1) all fertile people 2) all pregnant women over 40 and 3) everybody, not necessarily in that order.  I still get jealous but to move from white-hot hate to a little green twinge is amazing.  For me.  I now spend more time worrying about my infertile friends and how I would handle my possible pregnancy around them, than the other way around. 

So, here we go.  Having popped, I’m halfway fun to be around again, and I’m starting this blog.  I have no idea what comes after.   
Thanks for reading,
Joy

Advertisements